the ugly side of life

Courtney has become so defiant, and strong willed, and hard headed, and brillant, and she does not listen to me and I feel that I am ineffective as a parent in so many ways. I feel I can not discipline her properly because by the time I get up and get to her its been 2 minutes. And I cant pick her up and put her in time out. And I am just so stressed out. Dealing with raising a 2 yr is hard enough but throw in this disease and it is 500% harder. I hate the feeling of boo-hoo, feel bad for poor ole me. I hate not being able to do stuff. I am just so mad, that this is my life.
Work is crazy. They have done layoffs so we are reduced in staff yet business is picking up and I feel like I am busting my ass and that it is getting me absolutely no where. But then I think well who cares about progressing at work, I'm gonna have to go out on disability eventually anyway, so no use in trying to "climb that ladder" And I really do enjoy my job. I love my colleagues and even the work is interesting and challenging me still.
And right now I feel like total crap because Courtney just told me she had to go poop and ran to the bathroom but I am such a horrible mother that I told her to go in her pull up cause I don't want to get up right now. Who the heck does that to a newly potty trained toddler? but I am so tired, and so exhausted already today and it is not even 1030am.
I am so tired of not being able to sit on the couch with my husband and watch TV, we are growing farther and farther apart and its all because of me. I miss him. I miss us. It is not fair to Tim or myself. It is just so not fair. I want my life back. This disease is ruining me, not just physically, but emotionally.
I am freaking out about Tim going to Africa. Even though my parents are right down the street, they shouldn't have to come to my rescue all the time. I'm so worried about being here alone with her, and I am so scared of him being in Africa. And my mom and dad left for a cruise yesterday and wont be back till next Saturday so that freaks me out a bit. I am 29 years old, I should not have to rely on my mom so much. And my sweet, beautiful, smart, little sister is in a horrible relation ship and he is ruining her. We are all so scared for her, but he is her first serious boyfriend and any of us who have been there done that, know how that is. And if you read this I am sorry if you get upset but it is how I feel and how everyone feels and you just do not realize how much hurt is being caused to the ones who truly love you. I just really need a vacation from it all.
I was gonna go on vacation next month to Chicago to spend a long weekend with some of the best ladies anyone could know. But true to my luck, prices jumped over $100 per ticket. But I guess it is for the best cause I dont think I could even get out of a plane seat. And I wish we could go take Court to California to spend time with Grammy and Bobo, but again, because of me, its not gonna happen.
I have dreams that I am doing things that I can not do and will never be able to do again, like playing tag or hide and seek, coaching little league, even taking a walk around the block. And in the dreams I am so happy and my little girl is laughing and having fun and I am happy and smiling, and then I wake up and face a world where none of that is possible and the smiles fade, and the laughter disappears and I am back into the reality that is my existence.
And I am begging to worry because Courtney has been exhibiting signs of diabetes for some time now and I have such a large presence of both type I and type II on both sides, and I am so worried. This poor child has got enough on her plate with me as her mother. and I love her so damn much but she can make me so freaking angry sometimes and I yell at her and I hate yelling at her. And I feel so bad.
All week I had been planning a fun day. I had made some baby shower invites for a friend and made $20. So, I planned we were gonna go to the bank, cash the check and get court a pop-pop, than go to Michael's and pick out some new supplies for our crafts collection. Manny was going to come over and we were going to make egg carton caterpillars and picture frames for pappy for fathers day. And we were going to play in the pool and sprinkler and eat Popsicles. I had been looking forward to this all week. But off course, starting at 6am, Courtney is getting in to anything and everything, doing things she knows she is not permitted to do and telling me no, and running from me and throwing herself on the floor so i cant get to her. She managed to lose all her fun privileges for the WHOLE day in less than 2 hours. which of course means "I" lose out as well.
So here I am, sitting on the computer, typing this long post, crying, while Courtney is eating her easy mac that just 3 minutes earlier was all over the floor because she knocked it off the table. (this time was purly and accident) Thank goodness for the dog or else it would have sat there till Tim came home because cleaning stuff up off the floor is just one of many many things this disease has robbed from me.
If your still with me, I know I probably sounded incoherent and retarded and horrible but I just had to let it out.